Two of the recent suicide murderers in Jordan were husband and wife, according to an al-Qaeda statement on the Internet.

Wouldn't that cause a bit of a problem when the 72 virgins get assigned to the husband while his wife is right there with him? Or how does the Islam Paradise thing work in such a case? Does the wife go to some other place in Paradise so the husband can enjoy his spoils without getting B-slapped everytime he makes a move?

Are Muslim women even allowed in Paradise? What do they get when they martyr themselves, 72 male virgins?

 

It ended in a burble of broken sobs: a final emotional percolation of resistant and bitter grief. It also ended with the little white raisins strewn all over God's floor.

But earlier, and back on Earth ...



"God is Great!!!"

The blinding flash of light ... and the huge 'WHAMP' ... and the tremendous deceleration were all over in an instant.





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Mohammed Atta opened his eyes. There was a gentle breeze that cooled his skin. In front of him a fuzzy globe of light hung in the air. In the background, rows of grapes receded toward infinity.

The fuzzy globe made a throat clearing sound ... as if prefatory to something ominous.

"I suppose you're here based on Koran 1.2 ... the ... ah ... 'virgin' version?"

Atta threw himself flat against what he hoped was God's floor.

"There is only one God and Mohammed is his prophet ..."

"Yes ... yes ... yes ... we know that ... but, getting back to this ... ah ... older ... virgin version." God paused to see if Atta had any idea of where this was going.

But an ignorant Mohammed Atta, groveling as deep as he could, wished there was even a holy hem below which he could slither still more ... to ingratiate himself still further ... to make himself more worthy of the rewarding maidens which in his heart he knew he richly deserved.

"Oh Lord, Thy word speaks of 72 virgins for martyrdom ... but my little spot in your paradise only wants half a hundred ... nice young pretty ones, mind you."

God sighed and reached for something on a shelf.



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The shriek was long and piercing ... even to God's ears. Mohammed Atta slapped the box of Sun Maid Raisins from God's hand ... sending the little albino wrinkled things scattering all across God's floor.

Then the sobs began. He thought of that little piece of '******' in that far away Florida motel room ... and his sobs grew greater.

 

This precedes the earlier:

the famous passage about the virgins is based on the word hur, which is an adjective in the feminine plural meaning simply "white." Islamic tradition insists the term hur stands for "houri," which means virgin, but Mr. Luxenberg insists that this is a forced misreading of the text. In both ancient Aramaic and in at least one respected dictionary of early Arabic, hur means "white raisin."

Mr. Luxenberg has traced the passages dealing with paradise to a Christian text called Hymns of Paradise by a fourth-century author. Mr. Luxenberg said the word paradise was derived from the Aramaic word for garden and all the descriptions of paradise described it as a garden of flowing waters, abundant fruits and white raisins, a prized delicacy in the ancient Near East. In this context, white raisins, mentioned often as hur, Mr. Luxenberg said, makes more sense than a reward of sexual favors.

 

now i get it. they can get 72 boxes of raisins.

it's good on chicken salad with macaroni.

 

Yes, it is a bit of a let down after blowing yourself to pieces...to just get some raisons to go down on. Hey, God likes his little jokes!

 

I think raisins is better than what I thought they actually received. I thought the 72 virgins were Catholic nuns who've died over the centuries. Each martyr would get 72 of them, each with a very large wooden spoon for cracking knucklheads like Atta on the top of their head for the rest of eternity.

 

Catholic nuns are virgins? Then where did this story come from?

Four catholic nuns passed and they were on their way to heaven. At the gate, they were inspected by St.Peter.

St.Peter asked the first nun, "Any sin you committed back on earth?" She replied, "I've seen a peepee." St.Peter said, "I'll let you go this time, just wash your eyes in the holy water and you can go ahead."

The second one confessed that she had seen one. St.Peter asked her to wash her eyes in the holy water and allowed her to go to heaven.

Now, a fight broke out between the third and the fourth nun. St.Peter asked what was going on. The third one said the fourth one was trying to take her spot.

Well...the fourth one complained, "I don't want to wash my mouth after she washes her *** in the holy water."

 

Nuns marry the church and "good" catholic girls don't have pre-marital sex. Fewer are virgins nowadays for sure. I'm talking about all the Catholic nuns who've died since nuns were invented. There's gotta be a lotta virgins in that bunch. Obviously, if a nun weren't a virgin, she wouldn't qualify as a virgin nun. Likewise, any woman who isn't a virgin wouldn't qualify as one of the 72 virgins in Paradise.

So, I guess you don't have any questions about the large wooden spoons?

 

hehe...large wooden spoons! it inspires my creative thinking! large wooden spoons in the hands of virgin nuns. hehe. hoho.